Dear Appa,
I wonder where you are and search for you in vain. I look up at the sky every night to see if I can spot you among the many stars that I see shining in the night sky. I do not believe you are gone as you come and whisper to me in my dreams every night, I wake up in the morning wanting to talk to you more. I know you are resting somewhere peacefully and I will not wake you up.
Right after you were gone...my friend told me that I would now see you more often than when you were alive...and that is so true as I feel your presence all around me all the time and it makes me feel good knowing that you are there with me protecting me and guiding me all the time....then why do I still wonder where you are...
Its that time of the year again, yeah...where one ends and the other year begins and everyone around me is in a festive mood...I do look forward to the next year with a heavy heart, hope we can forget the past and start a new tomorrow...but not the past that hold your memories. This year was undoubtedly my worst as I lost you...my only consolation being in my assumption that you now no longer live in pain.
I remember you holding my tiny hands in your hands so gently and teaching me to take my very first steps...I remember you recording my very first baby talk and hearing it again and again like it were some holy chant, never once bored, a constant smile on your face as though every time was the first time...only a father can do that.
Amma tells me of how you would make me eat my meals...literally put up a dance and music show for me while Amma would quickly stuff the food into my mouth. Never once tired. Always so patient.
Then the endless number of nights you would put me to sleep...my head resting on your shoulder, walking along the length of the room for long hours singing lullabies into my ear and patting my head with your gentle hands, not giving up till I am in slumber land....Amma says it's a special thing..the relationship between a father and a daughter...she says she had read about it in her psychology classes and there is no explanation. Today I see my friend with his daughter and remember you doing the same things for me when I was a small child, it brings tears to my eyes.
My first Bharatnatayam performance, Dashavatar, where I portrayed the characters of Matsya (fish) and Kalki ( the mighty warrior) 2 out of the 10 avatars of Lord Vishnu and my Second performance as Sathyabama (Krishna's dominant Wife) where I had a ten minute solo on stage received so many compliments from the chief guests, audience and other parents that made you so proud, it made me take up dance lessons.I know it made you so happy to see me perform on stage everytime. I cannot forget the smile on your face when I won the Miss Mysore runner up title, though you were not totally in favor of me participating in a beauty contest......you were always by my side cheering for me secretly.....Thank you Appa for encouraging me in all my endeavors.
When I was getting married, I saw you constantly wiping your tears...at first I pretended not to see it ...but could not hold it for too long. It made me realise how dear and close I was to you that you were finding it hard to let go off me.
March 16th 2009 was the last day I saw you when you came to see me off at the airport and I even remember my exact words" Appa I will see you, please take good care of your health, good bye"...I did not know then that, that would be my last good bye to you....I did not know then that , that would be the last time I was seeing you...if only I did........
On October 9th 2009, I put you to rest for the very first time...after all you did to put me to sleep every night as a child...what an irony Appa, that we had to put you to rest in the end.
I wait for tonight again like I do every other night...so that I can see you in my dreams....where ever you are I hope that you read this and I shall wait for your whispers at night.......Love you and Miss You a Lot Appa...as the year ends I wanted to say good bye just one more time....one last time...
Miss you so much,
Peshu
